Flush with Fashion: Decoding the Black Toilet Paper Phenomenon
Picture this:
You’re grabbing lunch with a friend who just emerged from some influencer hive spa in the Financial District.
They’re raving about the black toilet paper they encountered there. Yeah, you heard that right—black toilet paper. Suddenly, you’re thrust into a reality where your bathroom habits are a fashion statement. Did Harper’s Bazaar declare that leaving the house without a squeaky-clean backside is SS24’s hottest trend?
The cultural obsession with being cool has officially hit rock bottom — or should I say, toilet bowl depths.
We're talking about prioritizing black toilet paper and Instagram stories over basic hygiene.
But it gets better. We’re not just talking about bathroom accessories anymore. No, no. We’ve plunged headfirst into a world where belt buckles, black cards, and bellinis in Santorini are the new benchmarks for relationships, intelligence, and social status. I can only hope those seats at the high table come with plastic covers and a strategically placed air freshener, because the stench of summer’s 2024 chic is giving me an upset stomach.
Seriously, though, black toilet paper? What’s next, diamond-encrusted dental floss? It’s like we’re racing to the bottom to see who can come up with the most absurd way to flaunt wealth to let the world know your net is not looking gross. And the worst part? People are buying in. Are we becoming so desperate to sit at the cool kids table that we’re willing to complete our bowel movements with charcoal-colored toilet paper just for the ‘Gram?
I never thought I’d turn into my parents, ranting about “this generation of kids,” but here we are. I’m channeling Robert DeNiro in Goodfellas, just before Joe Pesci starts unloading on poor Michael Imperioli.
The problem isn’t just the ridiculousness of the trends themselves, but what they represent.
This isn't just about black toilet paper. It’s about a cultural shift where reality is a suggestion, and public perception is everything.
The tidal wave of this "reality is a suggestion" mentality is carrying us towards a future where status symbols are the new currency for measuring who we deem interesting and worthy to engage with. It's like we're all extras in a dystopian movie directed by Mark Zuckerberg, produced by Shou Chew, and reviewed by the tortured genius bleacher section - the comments.
I can see it now: generations of kids growing up believing toilet paper that looks like it was evidence in an arson fire or taking out a loan to vacation in the Maldives for a bachelor party is the only way you’ll avoid being seated by the kitchen at the wedding - which is also, mind you, in Tulum on the 4th of July. It’s like we’ve collectively decided that substance is optional, as long as the packaging is top-notch.
So here’s my hope: maybe—just maybe—we start valuing authenticity over absurdity. Because if black toilet paper is our new benchmark of normal, we’re all in deep, well, you know.
